My Masculinity Journey

As a male in jail I’ve had my own masculinity journey over many years but the change has come in the last 2 years!!!

My journey would have started when I was young. My male role models were prone to violent outbreaks and little or no emotion shown. Violence and angry were the answer to everything. So from a young age I realised violence was a weapon.

I would have been around 7/8 years old I feared violence and unpredictable people, but as I grew stronger and more streetwise, I used the fear, the violence to make people do what I wanted them to do. When I started selling drugs 13/14 years old, I couldn’t show emotion or fear. Chest out, hit first, ask questions later. My role models were violent people, that’s all I new. Angry!! Fear!! Pain!!

I’d been suffering for years in a toxic environment. So I used what I learnt at home on the streets and I made a name for myself through drug dealing, violence and acting “The Man”. The man I hated so much and caused so much pain in my life!! I had “become” him without even knowing. “The man” I had become wasn’t anything to be proud about.

I couldn’t show my emotions to my loved ones! I’ve not cried at a funeral because I thought it showed weakness. I was on a one way ticket to prison and that’s where I ended up.

My masculinity journey landed me in prison facing “life”. I didn’t care I was acting “the man” throwing my weight around. I felt I had to live up to my crime – murder. Years later I was a life-sentence prisoner, I thought it was the end. Never to see the light of day again.

Three officers that I knew from the outside confronted me, told me to “man up” and become “a man”. I already thought I was. This is the “turning point” in my masculinity journey.

I’d realised I’ve never been there for anyone, never shared an emotion other than angry. So I started working on myself doing AVP to MBT. Doing one to one psychology learning to share my emotions, talk about things I’ve never spoken about before. Who my role models were, how life was like at home. It took years of working on myself, to become more responsible for my actions. Learning about what I liked to do and what kind of person I am.

Then something clicks with me that I’ve become “the man” I hated so much!! My stepfather without realising it. I was ashamed at what I’d become. I needed to change, become “a man”!

Now I get a high from helping people. I can share personal experiences with others to help them know they’re not alone.

I might be locked up, never to know when I’ll be free again. What’s “crazy” is I feel more free now than I ever did!! “Peace of mind” becoming “a man”, the best version of myself!!

(AVPer in Cork Prison)